16 décembre 2009
*Irrational Fear?*
Rain, lovley rain
Purge my mind of sticky thoughts and let it rain
Lovley rain, come and wash away
Lead me astray
Take me to a place where we remain the same
One more day, to wax and wane
I'm terrified to be forgotten by them.
05 décembre 2009
*I Don't Wanna Be a Fool In Your Eyes*
Just a little bit. Just that gap, interval, discrepancy. Time-lag. You're watching one second to late. My smile is back and you don't see into me. Like a scratch DVD stopping and repeating the same scene before the film goes on. But you don't get that second chance to see me again.
We turned away. If we both look back at different times, is it as if we didn't turn back? The result is the same, the only difference is the regrets we might both feel. I turned back, you didn't. I just wanted to make you smile. So I smiled away, going my way, facing emptiness.
You don't like when I don't smile. Ye don't. I don't know why. Maybe cause ye think I'm the silly one. And ye don't like that look in my eyes. That one that says I wanna be taken seriously. The one that'd love to say "I like photography, I like poetry, I like writing, I like being by my own listenning to music, I like walking when it's windy, I like staring at the sea, I feel alive when I do that... but I desperately need you too." Cause this is not what you wanna hear.
The most important feeling is to feel happy with ourselves, isn't it? Love is only a bonus. Then there's still a step to take, dear all. I'm anxious, nervous, and only trying to hide it (which I do quite well when we think about it). I miss these people I could freely be myself with. I miss this universe I used to control and master. But this whole new world suits me better, I can feel it, I know it. It is just that obvious. Why would I even try to deny it? Here is where I belong. But my bitten nails and bleeding fingers somewhat explicit as well. My paranoia didn't get lost in the ocean when I flew here.
I can pretend to be a party-animal, to be happy and carefree. This is not me. Carefree. Ha! It's the less appropriate adjective to describe me. And I'm at some point I need to stop and think. And may be step back from this giant night-club my life turned into here. I want work, brainy stuff, new challenges. Days in the library working on essays are amazing, I enjoy it. Not as much as taking pictures, 'cause that's my ecstasy and I can't explain it without sounding stupid, but I love it. Books, culture, intellectual stuff. I feel daft since I've been here. I still have things to prove to myself.
But who can I say that to, without sounding hypocrit?
My smile when you're turning away is saying this. Please don't go, please don't go, I'm not done yet, I still have things to say, and I'd like to know you want to hear them.
What's the sentence again? Happiness is a puzzle with so many pieces there's always one missing. So true, I'll also add I'm crap at puzzle even I love doing them. I'm my own ennemy.
And coming back to Brittany won't help. I'm scared. Scared of myself, how am I gonna be, scared of what the others are gonna think. Scared to feel like I don't belong there anymore. Scared to sound like I don't wanna be there, which is true/untrue. I wanna be with them, with you. Here. But on the other hand I can't wait to be at your home, Kami, in that safe cocoon, and to see everyone again. I'll miss speaking English, and I'm gonna talk crap as usual. That didn't get lost in translation either. But being me will be a lot easier.
I'm boring and I know it.
But, God, I'm lost. And I wished you cared, even if I wouldn't be able to explain it with words if I had to talk about it. But I don't wanna be a fool in your eyes.
Life goes on and you forget the previous second, a blink of an eyes erases it all from your memory.
29 novembre 2009
*A Little is Enough*
Des fois je voudrais pouvoir dessiner ce que j'ai dans la tête. L'idéal serait même de pouvori faire des dessins-animés... Je devrais peut-être me mettre à l'animation 3D?
Parce que parfois les mots ne suffisent pas, il faut l'image, et le son.
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
Même rengaine, toujours, toujours la même chose. Je ne sais même plus pourquoi je persiste à écrire ici. C'est toujours et encore la même histoire, à croire que je le fais exprès. Toujours la même confusion. Encore les mêmes rêves et désillusions. Les mêmes espoirs et deceptions.
I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough
La seule chose positive qui me vient à l'esprit, et qui tout de même est d'importance (et qui pour une fois change des 2 dernières années de notes sur ce blog), c'est que malgré tout, le ciel reste bleu. Malgré la pluie le vent la tempête la grêle, l'optimisme gagne la bataille. La lumière vainc l'ombre. L'horizon est dégagé, la route sous mes pieds s'étend à l'infini sans barrière.
I think I like today.
I think it's good.
It's something I can get my head around.
Et les autre autour de moi, comme toujours ils comptent trop, j'aimerais avoir mille bras pour pouvoir tous les prendre par la main et les emmener avec moi. Leur monter... Je ne sais pas, qu'autre chose existe et que cet autre chose c'est moi. Que dans l'uniformité et le copiage, je reste malgré tout à part. J'aimerais leur prendre la main et les garder dans mon coeur. Cheesy cheesy. Qu'est-ce que j'y peux?
You know I won't say sorry
You know I won't say sorry
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
You know what it's like to believe
It makes me wanna scream
Enfin la paix semble arriver. Tu me laisse partir parce que tu sais que me retenir serait une erreur. Tu me manque parfois mais c'est ainsi, ma vie est ici et sans toi pour moitié désormais. And you know I won't say sorry for leaving you. Juste pour tout le mal que j'ai pu te faire. Et que j'ai peur de faire aux autres maintenant.
Une seule chose. J'aimerais arrêter de rêver, ça mélange tout dans ma tête.
Sortez de là.
Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
27 novembre 2009
*I'm a Superhero too*
"If a tree falls in a forest but nobody's around to hear it,
will you still love me tomorrow?"
I don't know what it means. But I like it. It sounds right and familiar.
It sounds like a meaningless thing I could have said.
Nothing I can say,
Total eclipse of the heart.
23 novembre 2009
*And I need ye more than ever*
I'm listenning to love songs and I want to feel this way again. I don't know yet with who, but you were right Kami, I'm such a fool, I shouldn't have doubted I could feel this way again.
I'm way too passionnate. This is dangerous, especially in this country.
I feel more and more stupid as days go by. Foolish. But that's just who I am.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I need.
I want things I don't need and I need things I don't want.
Don't wanna wait and be well-behaved. I don't wanna be wize.
I want someone to share my crazyness.
I want trips, parties, drinks, laughs, hugs, pictures, films.
I want a lot of people, different people, so many names, so many faces.
Adrenaline.
And then settle down and work on my future.
New persons everyday, and some people that are starting to be my everyday life.
Random passers-by who ended walking by my side for a part of the journey.
Am I really the only want focusing on the others and willing to know them better? Or are they people wanting to know me as well, but who -like me- don't care asking?
Whatever I do, no matter how hard I try, I'll never get a rid of this part of me I don't control.
shy - nervous - moody - smilling - indenpendent - addicted - different.
29 octobre 2009
*Equillibrium*
I walk slowy when I'm on my own (do you feel alive?)
Yeah but quite frankly I still feel alone (oh, but you'll survive)
Oui, je survivrais.
Je me sens en paix, évoluant doucement, m'immergeant lentement dans la vague qui me porte toujours plus en avant. Je me sens différente, je me sens comme je n'osais pas être avant. Et j'apprécie de plus en plus. Même si une partie de moi a toujours l'impression d'être défasée, décalée, et complètement paumée.
J'aime marcher et j'aime la musique. J'aime plus que tout marcher en écoutant de la musique. Et donc, je marche seule, je parle à mes fantômes et je déambule dans mes rêveries. Et cette chanson, ces chansons, ses chansons, sont la bande-son de ma vie et je ne m'en lasse pas. Elle va avec le courant, la vague qui me porte.
Je flotte, je suis berçée par la marée émotionnelle et le clapotis des sentiments aux portes de mon coeur.
Des îlots d'amitiés apparaissent dans la brume à l'horizon, et je laisse derrière moi l'amertume et les épaves des erreurs passées. Je quitte le port. Maman, je suis une grande fille maintenant, ne t'en fais pas, laisse moi m'en aller. La brume grise se dissipe et rosît à l'aube d'un nouveau jour, ma boussole m'indique le Nord sans frémir, et les contours de l'inconnu se dessinent de plus en plus clairement.
Mon sourire s'est apaisé.
22 octobre 2009
*Owl City*
Oui, la musique fait tout dans ma vie. Alors, nouveau groupe découvert, nouvelles émotions et nouvelles errances onirique, tout en marchant seule iPod en poche, bien-sûr. J'apprends et je me surprends à aimer ma solitude.
Girl: Time together is just never quite enough
Boy: When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
Girl: What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Both: We need time, only time
Girl: When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
Boy: If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
Girl: So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
Boy: All the time,
Both: all the time
Alala. Je suis une petite fille ridiculement romantique. Et terre à terre à la fois. Paradoxical, that's the world you said. Quite true. Mais bon, rêver n'a jamais fait de mal ) à personne, et pour une fois, je rêve ma vie et je vis mes rêves en même temps. Alors, que demande le peuple? De l'argent, peut-être? Un don pour la danse qui viendrait par magie? Oui, ça se serait bien.
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause i hate goodbyes
i got misty eyes as they said farewell
but ill know where several are
if my dreams get real bizarre
'cause i saved a few and i keep them in a jar
Tiens, j'ai revu Michael aujourd'hui. Il parait qu'on va apprendre Thriller lundi pour le danser jeudi au College Bar pour Halloween. HAHA, on va rire. Je cite "I can't wait to see your confused face". Neither can I. Mais il m'a fait sourire, et il m'a pris dans ses bras pour me dire au revoir, et ça m'a fait chaud au coeur.
I am floating away lost in a silent ballet
I'm dreaming you're out in the blue and I am right beside you
Or are you just a decoy dream in my head
Am I home or am I simply tumbling out alone
Et puis, il y a eu Darragh qui, en direct live sur Flirt FM, la radio du campus, m'a cité comme étant "a good friend of mine", ce qui fait aussi chaud au coeur. D'ailleurs ça me rappelle que ça fait un moment que je l'ai pas vu, ce no-life qui vit de 16h à 6h et dort le reste du temps. Etrange garçon.
Et puis et puis, il y a tellement d'autres choses. Baisers volés et bulle de bonheur éphémère; inconnu qui m'aborde et qui se revèle être un gentil garçon et pas un pervers; confessions noctures; ballades photos; études qui commencent seulement; impatience; fête d'anniversaire à préparer; et tant d'autres choses.
And that's all for you Kami:
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here
[...]
Waist-deep in my thoughts because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
19 octobre 2009
*And you got me singing, Oh-oh*
I want to sing. And sing. And sing again. For you, for them, for all of you.
Because no matter what, I feel amazingly alive and happy here.
King and queens, princesses in the dark. A beat, a rythm, a dance, always the same moves, never the same final. And the show must go on.
So on tuesday, I'll have my fun, even if I wish I could live another 80s party, I know I won't, so I just let it go, let it go, and smile. There will be other nights, other boys, other heartbreaks, other hopes and desilusions.
Close my eyes and let it go. Close my eyes and let it go. Always the same moves, repeated again and again at the dead of night. Have you seen the moon? - you're so different! - you're hot! - would it be weird if I kissed you? - that's why we're here aren't we? - I'll take care of you. - I need a friend and I think it could be you. - this was a passionate kiss! - will you answer if I call tomorrow? - nobody told me that before. - what are you thinking at right now? - you're crazy! - .
Yes. I want more. Laughs, smiles, looks. Even if I talk crap, even I don't make sense wether I'm drunk or not. Even if there's no tomorrow.
I'll keep singing, la la la.
16 octobre 2009
*That's automatic*
Why do I always have to do that? I just CAN'T help it.
Loving people too easily. And getting hurt even more easily as a consequence. Why do I keep loving you?
I suppose I love drama. I love making things complicated.
What people say about me and what I feel inside is the extreme opposite, and I'm being torn apart. What people tell me to do and what I think I should do is totally different, and I'm so confused. I know what I want. I know what's right. What can't it be the same?
Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do, total eclipse of heart.
I just wish someone would stop me when I'm turning away, someone would call my name and ask "please stay". I'd like to be the one needed and stop needing the others. If being like that makes me what I am, then I wanna change. You tell me to take advantage of what I am to get what I want. But I haven't a clue of how to do that. I'm just trying my best to be happy and to make those I love happy too, hoping their hapiness involve me.
Does it make me a strange person? I feel like everyone is the same, so why do we keep hurting each other, while being looking for love and attention? This is so stupid.
Look at my weirdness before looking at the others'? But baby, that's I do all the time.
And there's nothing beautiful to see inside.
12 octobre 2009
*I don't understand it either*
Days.
It all started in the dark
The stars were glowing in my head
Embracing the night breeze
I felt life beating in your hands.
We were beautiful and we were strong
Celebrating the love of passing feelings
The short-lived existences
The millions of people we were at once.
Then the morning came to me
Breaking out from your blue eyes
Terrible fragility I cherrished
Like a warm hug before twilight.
We were young and we were new
Unsure of the path to go through
Trying to swim against the current
Before letting ourselves go to the ocean.
And the sun was high when I understood
Some stories aren’t worth remembering
I could have cried blood, tears and rain
If I didn’t already dry out long ago.
We weren’t anything no more,
Just two shadows, two strangers
A dirty picture on the floor
A nightmare I had to overcome.
Then there was the chill evening dying to end
And to dig into the comforting darkness
When a dazzling blinding light flashed
And drew me away from my self-built misery.
We aren’t really what we were meant to be
Chasing the moon and clouds in blue skies
Lost in translation and impassable distances
But whatever will be we’ll face it together.
The next night
Is gonna be allright.