*Can I Take It Any Longer?*

I don’t know.

Usually I find the words. But I need time for that. Time to make room for them, these big words that heavily weight on my heart, that are so hard to pull out of myself. I need to make space, to push away the random thoughts, to dispel the doubts and apprehension, the fear of your reaction. I sometimes feel like I literally tearing my bowels out of myself, I’m physically in pain and I wish I could just scream and hit whatever is in reachable distance to clear my head out.

I’m being said I deserve better than you. But I only want you, you, you. And I have the feeling I don’t really have you, like you’re escaping me, avoiding the grip of my hand on your arm when I’m begging you to stay. Well, alright, I haven’t begged. There’s still a bit of pride in me. But I don’t recognize myself; I’m only a shadow, a ghost of what I used to be. I only turn to life when friends enlighten my days, or when you’re around which doesn’t happen very often lately. And I’m ashamed of that. And I’m scared, of so many million things, and I’m weak, so tired.

Yes, I am in a bad phase. The annual May nervous breakdown.

The more I listen to it, the more “total eclipse of the heart” sounds like the song describing every bit of me at the moment.

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight.

Every word above could have been written by me if only I had the talent to do so. I’m lost, I’m confused, I’m down, I’m stuck in that love that is like superglue holding me to you and I don’t wanna try to free myself, no, I wanna melt like superglue melts and burns the surfaces, burn you, mark you, tattoo you and melt in you. I know we could be so happy if we could find the fucking time to be so.

Well, if you could find the fucking time to be so.

I don’t know how to say it anymore, so you are fully aware of how desperate I am. But I really, really, really need you NOW. And if you can’t be there then I’m starting to wonder if being alone single without expecting you isn’t better than being alone in a relationship expecting you and being disappointed.

There, I said it.