*Notes From Dublin*

24/09/2010

I didn’t think the breakdown would come so quickly. But lying there alone in that cold unknown room brought the reality back, the one I managed to avoid during the day by keeping myself busy and worried by other concerns.

So here I am now, slowly starting to realize how hard this year is gonna be. I wanna be with you, in your arms, in your warmth, not miles away chasing some obscure dream I’m never was so sure of. Am I doing it for me or for the others? Either way I know I made the right decision, I know this course is better for me than the one in Galway would have been, but I want you, you, and you’re not there…

And the tears won’t stop running. I let them roll down freely hoping they’ll run dry eventually. I am waiting for that “after the rain” feeling, when your heart and soul are still soaking but the storm is over. Only remains that sad, gluey wetness that lies underneath and never really dries, that makes you feel weak and miserable, but you know there is nothing to be done anymore, that it’s too late to look for shelter, the drops of misery have already penetrated your clothes and reached your skin. So you just lie there lifeless and hopeless.

And tomorrow I will have to get up, rise and shine, deal with all these trivialities I couldn’t care less of, and pretend everything’s ok. Although actually pretending won’t be necessary since I don’t know anyone here so there’s no one I need to cheer up for. You’d probably say I should cheer up for myself. But as you know I live for and through the others, my curse and my gift, and I can’t see how it would change. The only one that manages to cure that a bit is you, and you’re not there to kick my ass, you see? So I’ll just sink inside myself, turn my eyes inwards and close my mind to the world. Try to put myself in quarantine hoping I’ll get out of there in a better shape – which I usually do –.

I presume college work will occupy and distract my mind and I am really looking forward it. Dive into a sea of knowledge and fight not to drawn. A different fight to forget the one I can’t win. A challenge to overcome my current purposelessness state, an intellectual activity to make up for the lack of emotional.  Well, for the lack of action resulting from emotions.

This year is gonna be so long.

27/09/2010

I was right thinking college would give me a distraction. I am really excited about all this now. The three lectures I had today were "Terminology", "Translation Technology" and "Research Methodologies and Writing Skills". The two first ones reminded me a lot of the lectures I had in my final year of Translation Studies degree. I am looking forward for the practical labs, that will probably bring me back in 2008 even more than today’s lectures did.

Although I am a bit scared by all these readings we are asked to do and a little bit disappointed by the fact that all these practical modules will be assessed by essays – which makes no sense in my opinion – I am really happy of what I saw so far.  I wanna feel that unity again, that “shit creates links” feeling when we are struggling to find our way out. I am terrified I won’t do good enough and on the other hand am I extremely confident that I will be alright, I survived that final year through dozens of assignments, 30-hours weeks of lectures and my college being blocked for 2 months, so I should be ok. I want to get it started, like really, not just introductory lessons that I always found to be boring and only meant to scare us. I want some hard stuff, some hot stuff, to get headaches out of them and to complain about them, to eventually get out of there with that priceless pride and sensation of accomplishment. Come to me Trados, come to me Access, I’m waiting on you! I do not fear you and I will not turn away.

The research methodologies (and writing skills) now on the other hand, also reminded me of some final year lectures, but in a bad way. This seems to be this kind of “bits and bobs lecture” where they put everything they don’t know where to fit. Now this isn’t me saying it won’t be interesting, but I am afraid that the interest will get lost in the confusion, and in the will of our teacher to make it interactive when, let’s face it, we are sitting there with the “knowledge sponge syndrome”. What is that? Just the state of the art of being a student: being present to absorb knowledge and just walk away and forget about it as soon as the hour is over. We don’t come there to interact and discuss. We can perfectly do that by ourselves, outside of the lectures, thanks very much.

Of course I am being a bit harsh there. I know this approach is based on good intentions and would work if we, students, would put some good will in it as well. But fact is we rarely do, and I’m afraid it’s not discussions about grammar and stylistic restrictions that are gonna help. But we’ll see, it might. We have to read the Style guide to Translators in the European Union for next week… Sounds interesting and I’d gladly do it if only I had access to internet home. I’ll certainly end up downloading it via the college Wifi.

Anyways.

I like brainy stuff. I want more. Give me more. I will probably be found here complaining about how horrible this course is in a few weeks from now, but that’s not the case now. I just want to study more and harder, and to have something to actually do. Give us homework!

Can I be a student forever?