*So Little Time*

I don't remember much of that phone call.

But I remember you said I love you and I couldn't answer cause I was smiling and then it was too late. Maybe I was dreaming. Maybe I was crying as well, because that emptiness sometimes is too big, too oppresive. Too much there, too much instead of you.

You quickly moved on to something else and I wonder if you meant to do that? If if was me I would have stopped time to let these words grow and fill me with hapiness. If it was me I would have stopped motion to let these words move me and lull me.

I wonder if you got my second letter, and I wonder if you'll ever answer. I like writing you letters. It's like writing a blog but a private one, an intimate that only you and me share. It's like having a parallel universe of our own, a patch of blue sky in the Irish greyness, somewhere I hide for a short moment, somewhere I hope to meet you for a few minutes. You come too late to that place that I leave as I close the envelope but you can see traces of me, read the signs I leave behind for you.

There is sometimes something weird happening when I breathe. I am a bit worried. I wish I wasn't ill anymore, I feel like my head and face weight three tons and all I wanna do is crash on the floor/table/bed, anything that is around me really. It is tiring to be tired all the time, if you get me. Work, stupid antibiotics!

I am walking in a blurry foggy world where the fog has a weight and is squeezing me, I don't see where I'm going and I'm only surrounded by Machine Translation programms and buses. My life is a bit too alike to my dreams these days, and those of you who heard about them already know that my dreams are kinda... freaky.

I also think a lot of what would happen if one of my loved ones happened to die. I don't know why, but it's not the most pleasant thoughts to have. As one would say, I am a bit under the weather.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sorry for that typical randomness of mine. I meant to write a kinda love note. But I don't know what I'm doing.

All I know is you're the only thing that keeps me on track.