*Sing A Song For Me*

I remember never wanting to reach 6 years with you because of what 6 meant for us. Dear, I hope you're doing allright. You're such a friend, the best ever and forever. I sometimes don't like the judgementfull look you give me, but I guess that's all I deserve for being such a fecking lunatic slut.

And please, don't tell me not to be mean to myself. There's no point.

No matter who I'm with ye all end up saying the same things to me, that I would sum up this way: I'm too hard to myself, I am a great person and that's why everybody loves me.

Right. Except that's all wrong.

No matter what I'm the most egocentric person I know, the proudest one as well, even if I learnt to swallow my pride and to admit how wrong I am sometimes. I'm not hard to myself, I fucking think I'm fucking great and I'm much better then most of you, for the most random reasons ever, but the most important would be I always feel like I put the others first and that this sacrifice is worth worshipping me, and I hate you all so much for not being gratefull for all the pain I suffer for you.

Selfish selfish selfish.

And for all the greatness I have, there's the same amount of shit I don't know how to deal with, everything just slips out of my hands, out of control, like water through my fingers, I can't stop it, I can't hold it. I feel like I'm pulling everyone to me with some surreal gravity I produce and then just crush anyone that come too close. Like a fucking ice crusher. And I hate so much when someone points out the harm I do, for I don’t control what I do to you, I wish I did, I so wish I did, but I always forget that you’re all human as well, and no I’m not the only one to have feelings and a conscience.vb

Selfish selfish selfish.

And that everyone loves me, now that’s a wonderful lie as well. Some people seem to see me as I see myself, like a fucking bitch that only manage to mess everything up, even if she’s only trying to be honest to herself and the others. They might not see the last bit of it. And therefore I hate them too ‘cause they’re dangerous, they see in me and could releave the big hoax I am to the world. And what would I do then ? And if that’s honesty that makes you love me, then, here’s to you : I fucking love myself so much I don’t need any of you, except that I doubt so much of my ability to walk in this world I need you to keep you on my feet. I need you to feed my ego, to polish my pride, to vernish my greatness and make it last as long as possible. I need you to make me feel I don’t need anyone. P.A.R.A.D.O.X.E.

So I don’t know what I’m turning into, a blowed-up head monster, a fake clown sadly smiling to the world to be left in peace, a child scared by her shadow on the pavement. Again, that’s only because I’m in a weird mood these days. Call me back later and I should be more optimisitic. Oh, and I’m terrified of getting old.

But, hell, when the fuck are you gonna leave me alone with your expectations, questions, dilemas, and fucking « it’s up to you »s ? Don’t you get it ? I am not able to satisfy both of you and me at the same time. And I don’t know who to choose.

Leave me the fuck alone. But please don't let me down.
And oh, would you please sing a song for me?

Selfish selfish selfish.

Comments

[Briwie]

I'll sing "Regarde-moi" for you. For no reason in particular, just because I'm thinking of it right now.

[Marianna]

Thanks love.

[Kyou]

"A real friend is someone who knows everything of you, but still stays", isn't it ? :-)

Love.