*Sing For The Laughter, Sing For The Tear*

I noticed I'm starting to be carefull of what I write here, meaning, to try not to be too personal, too emo, too poetic, too teary. But fuck it, I write this for me, not for you. So I can write whatever I want. I can be too personal, too emo, too poetic and too teary if I'd like, because that's what I like being when I write.

I have the funny feeling of "fowards recession" or "backwards progress". Can't make up my mind really. Built up stronger on the outside, my shell is becoming shield, all iron and indestructible, but the inside is falling in pieces. Trying to put caution tape and bubble wrap all around to protect myself and seal that "weak me" safe inside. Doesn't work too well so far. Problems are like air, they just go everywhere and get through everything.

I feel like an empty room which paint - that was bright once - is tearing apart in large ripped pieces. I feel like a big, huge, burlesque lie. A pantomime smiling to the world and crying inside. Maybe because when the ones I love most start to judge me, I start losing confidence in who I am really. I don't know who to trust anymore and I hate that, I'm a trustful naive person, I need to love the others to love myself, and it is just not happenning anymore. Leave me alone I'm lonely.

Again, all I (wanna) do is cry, and you're not there.

One day, I'd like you to play me a love song. When you're ready. No rush and no pressure, I'd rather wait and see than think you don't mean it. I'd like to show you how I am inside, so you understand. I'd like to explain you that this is love and you just can't see it. What can I do to show you? I feel so powerless and vain, if I can't give you that then what can I do? But it is there, it is so there.

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself? I don't think so. You are the first and only one that give me enough strengh to stop bitting my nails. Now that can look ridiculous, but it is something huge... Remember that day I wrote I was still bitting my naisl to blood, that I haven't changed that much? Well that day is over. In your shadow I grow stronger, so different to who I thought I could be.

I'm becoming tough, and bitter, but oh, darling, I'm not sure I like what I see in the mirror anymore. If being strong means being alone and angry, I'd rather be weak.

I want to be cheesey and emo and childish and naive and dependant. And I know, I know I can't be all that in real life, that I have to stand for myself, and I do it, you know, you should know... But when we're together I'd like to stop pretending and to escape all that and just be whatever comes to me, without you reminding me life's hard. Don't you think I realised that quite a while ago? And love should make it easier, not more tricky. So for every smile I take away from you by being upset, please remember I spent hours being sad and angry, rather angry these days because sad seemed to pityful so I turned my sadness into anger, and anger looked easier to deal with, but it hurts even more 'cause I don't know how to handle it and... I don't want to have to bottle it up to make you happy.

You can't ask the sky to stop being blue. Well you can't ask me either.

Comments

[Briwie]

I wanted to say sentences...
Not quite sure of the meaning of "phrase" ><

[Briwie]

Your last two phrases are so great.
Be cheesy and emo and childish and naive if you want to. You know you're not the alone & angry type.
Please please smile!

[Rakoun]

Karantez evidout a rankfe dont eus ar pezh out, ket ar c'hontrol.