*But It Was The First Time*

I used to lean on you
The only over choice was falling down

And see? When you let my hand go I just fall. Am I ready for that do you think? I stumble to every step I take and only find my balance back with the others around me. Beautiful butterfly, I danced and singed and amazed your critical eyes. Before the words choke me and I miserably crash down. Lying in a puddle of tears.

I will be fine. Sure I will. Friendly hands are dragging me out of there and putting me back on my feet. "You sang amazingly well". But isn't that even worse? And I know it happened to all performers, and I know nobody is angry at me, and I know that's not true, it is not gonna disqualify me from the musical next year. But I still feel like shit.

And the person I'd like to be hugged by is not there, and is not answering my texts, regrettable routine I'm sick of sometimes. Why can't you see when answering matters?

And you Kami are not there either, probably in bed before a day of exams tomorrow, I can't blame you. But I wish I could have talked to you tonight.

Trying to go foward and up but it's hard. Of course nobody said it would be easy. I enjoyed it still, even if I still wanna cry now. I think I'm gonna hide in my bed for a while and the only things that bother me are : I'll have to see all of them again tomorrow, I won't see D. before two days, and I won't see Kami before even longer.

I hope you're doing well.