*I Am A Beautiful Disaster*

Strangeness is the antidote to the awful sameness of the world.

And my heart is torn between two worlds, two "mes". The digital practical intellectual side of me is pulling me out of my dreamy poetic fantastic universe. And I want to resist but it's hard, probably because of this "pratical" thingie. I need to be practical. I need to be efficient. I need to be down to earth to face all these obstacles, but my dreamy side wants to escape from them, to avoid them, to find refuge in arts and laziness and loving arms not to see this future coming too fast.

Sometimes I really wonder if it's all worth it. I mean, what's the point of all that? Who am I doing it for? I used to live for and through the others. And now I'm standing for myself I never felt so alive, and so lonely, and I wonder, I wonder if...

I hate myself for sounding so dramatic. But for as long as I can remember, everytime I thought of "what am I living for?", the only answer I could find was "nothing, only pointless things". But maybe life is pointless. And random. And just impossible to explain. I don't know. But there are times when I get tired of trying to find a meaning to what I'm doing. Another meaning, a deeper meaning than "because I want to". Tired.

...

And also, sometimes, I wonder what would people say at my funerals if I was to die tomorrow. What I would hate to hear is "I wish I could have told her that...". Say what's in your heart, let's be cheesy and sweetly ridiculous together. Before the day fades away and it's too late.

R.i.p my wings and take me out this duality. Or let me fly away.

Be reassured, I'm not going to commit suicide.
My stupid bravery doesn't reach that level.

I only crawl into swamps, nothing more.

Comments

[Marianna]

Rak: a beautiful above all disaster?
Briwie: thank you! :) There's nothing to be jealous of 'cause you're as talented as I am! I'm not quite sure of how to define our friendship now, but one thing is sure, you're forever part of me now! :D

[Briwie]

I wish I told you how jealous I am of your many talents, and of the way you can enjoy life and not be as "rabatjoie" as I assume I can be.
I wish I told you how important you are and how glad I am of the friendship we share(d?) and of our great adventures together. Even if they were fictional.
I wish I told... I think I did now :) And maybe it's more important to say it now than at your funeral :p

[Rak]

A beautiful disaster, but beautiful above all