*Your Heart On The Line*

I wish I was able to write the sun on my skin, your fingers between mine, the smell of the sea, the breeze cooling down my sun-burnt face, the sweetness of an ice-cream, the pride of walking by your side, the reward of knowing you like love me.

Your jumper over my shoulders, I decided to make a little detour before I walk home. It made me see things clearer, and more importantly it made me finding the words to say these things. You hurt me, you really did. And some things still need to be fixed. But dammit I am not gonna let go, no, I look at yesterday and I look at tomorrow and what I see is all the good you made and all the more that is to come. And I will fight for that with blood and bullets if needed.

I've been reading all the stuff I wrote since I've been in Galway and you have been the main part of it since the beginning. Since that "look at the moon and tell me what you think", one warm night of October when we were sitting by the Corrib, you in your Dark Vador t-shrit and me in my yellow neon top that was all but sexy. I can't help but smiling when I think of it. How, for god's sake, did we end up flirting that night? I still don't know but for sure I have no regrets.

I remembered the day you helped me move out, that was such a sign of the future to come, and I remember you saying that I was away for such a long time and you missed me. I was so nicely surprised, cause I thought you didn't care about me really.

I reminded that time-capsule we shared in the begining of January. And your email that followed. You said "Hopefully in time I can let you understand me", and I hope I am. I think so, but there is still so much I need to see, I want to know. I really feel like you know everything about me and... No, I feel like you know enough to use it against me and hurt me, whereas I don't know nothing of that kind about you. I'm vulnerable and you're invincible. Hopefully in time you will let me understand you.

I heard your voice saying you didn't know how to be romantic and you had to be sarcastic or you felt stupid. I smiled. I know in time you'll see what I mean.
You don't need to protect yourself with sarcasm when you're with me.
Cause whatever you tell me, will never be used to harm you, even if we end up ennemies, which is highly improbable. Cause even if I smile to something you say it is not me making fun of you but me being tenderized. I wish you'd feel comfortable enough with me to say whatever is on you mind without fearing my judgement. You should know by now no matter what I think I would do my best to help and support you.

The thing that made me sad re-reading that one and only email is that you were saying I helped you for you were the one talking and not the therapist for once. And I'm affraid that now we're together, the problems you'd have would be linked to me and therefore, you wouldn't talk about them to me. Will you let me close enough to hold your back?

And I see our tomorrows when, finally, we'll have more time to ourselves, to float in dreamy bubbles out of time like that one in the frost of January, except we'll be lying down on the beach in a soft sun kiss. I see the laughts, the hugs, the hopes, the love that will grow. I won't let go.

Darling, you will have to answer that email. I will wait for it everyday I'll be away.

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God, I need to stop being so cheesy, I'm embarassing myself.